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    我說服了老師

    時間:2019-07-02 21:29:28  作者:  來源  查看:0
    我說服了老師
    段旭濮
    所謂“我說服了老師”,不如說“我們說服了老師”{本文為真實事件改為文本}。【評:說服老師的是“我們”。】
    事情發生在周四下午的最后一節課,由于畢業會演正步步緊逼,各個項目的老師又開始了“爭風吃醋”。【評:故事發生的時間。】
    由四個副科老師——(以)音樂老師(為主)舉辦的什么“百人合唱”近期也愈加猖狂,今天這節課不上,明天那節課不上,為的都是她們的個人。【評:占用上課時間,排練合唱,“我”流露出不滿情緒。】
    我本就對副科老師心生偏見,這種猖狂也加劇了我心中對她們憎恨的速度,如果說我以前討厭她們的速度是步行的話,那么現在的速度就應該是我走累了,攔住了出租車在路上飛馳。【評:語言生動形象。】
    言歸正傳。這不,我本不想參加,若不是音樂老師當年那樣,我不可能給她臺階下的。當年她向我拋了個媚眼,還溫柔親切地說:“大寶,去吧!”(否則)我怎會站出來呢!【評:講述了先前能去合唱團的原因。】
    但我不是為了怕耽誤課而去找老師的,不是!請原諒,這是我的心聲,不過我有點過于偏激。【評:因討厭而不喜歡。】
    周四那天,老師的圣旨到,命令我們去大合唱(團)唱歌兒去。我、大胖、張姐三人想好了要罷工,但又由于膽子小,不敢一下子沖過去。否則,音樂老師就按遲到來算。我(提)題議先在外頭玩,待同學走盡再過去說。這樣一來,即使被批評也至少你知我知。大胖的觀點:這都快畢業了,這老臉——嘖,不能扔呀!張姐這個不能自己做主張的女生,要求回去征詢一下語文老師的(意見)建議,但還不敢,就在這兒徘徊。【評:三人各自的想法。】
    只見同學們緩緩出來,我和大胖便沖了進去,說:“老師,我們以后可以不來了嗎?我們不想再耽誤課程,也沒有量身高之類的尺寸……”總之,就是不想去了,沒有理由。【評:陳述不參加的理由,實則沒有理由,就是不想去。】
    老師們問著:“你們今天來了嗎?”
    “沒有,我們一直在外面。”
    “是自己決定不想來的嗎?”
    “當然了,不然呢……”
    “好了,以后都不用再來了。”
    成功,成功地說服了這些“惡魔”。【評:訴求成功。】
    張姐早早就跑回班了,我和大胖打算玩她,教訓這個膽小鬼,吃里扒外的東西。【評:用詞生動形象。】
    我們回去后,(裝出)一臉失落的情緒,告訴張姐:“我們失敗了,被老師罵了一頓。老師說下次讓咱們三個都過去。”【評:謊稱下次還得去。】
    張姐一副悻悻的樣子,說:“我才不去呢!”【評:“悻悻”一詞,神態描寫,寫出不滿情緒。】
    這小子還不信呢!
    評語
    這篇習作語言清新、平實、流暢,生動具體地記錄了發生在學校的一件小事,真實地表達小作者的心聲:因為看不慣副科老師們搶占上課時間去排練節目的做法,便對參加大合唱有了厭惡之感。于是三人決定退出排練,便想去說服老師答應她們的訴求。怎么去說服老師呢?三人因性格不同,想法也就各不相同:“我提議先在外頭玩,待同學走盡再過去說。這樣一來,即使被批評也至少你知我知;大胖的觀點:這都快畢業了,這老臉——嘖,不能扔呀!張姐這個不能自己做主張的女生,要求回去征詢語文老師的意見,但還不敢,就在這兒徘徊。”寫得真實細致,好!
    上一篇:沒有了 下一篇:讀小說,增智慧
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