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    大自然的聲音

    時間:2019-06-30 19:42:45  作者:  來源  查看:0
    大自然的聲音


    今天早上,天氣陰沉沉的,天要下雨了。我剛起床,呼呼的響聲(就)傳來。我仔細一聽,是我們家的卷簾門被拉上去了,哦,新的一天開始了!【評:寫清晨起床時的所見所聞。】
    我穿好了衣服,起了床,一下地踩到了玩具,“叮當”一聲,小弟(被驚)醒了,哇哇的(地)哭起來。媽媽“吱扭”一聲,打開了門,抱起小弟弟,哭聲立刻停止了。但小弟弟不想睡覺,媽媽(便)給小弟弟穿好了衣服。【評:“我”的不小心,驚醒了小弟弟。注意了描寫聲音,好!】
    爸爸就在這時,(爸爸)咣的一聲打開了門。小弟聽到開門聲,大叫一聲:“啊!”跑了出去,(撲在了爸爸的懷里。)爸爸說:“準備好了嗎?”媽媽說:“好了!”爸爸說:“走吧!”【評:聽到門響聲,爸爸走了進來。】
    我們一家人坐上車(,剛走不遠,),突然下起了雨。(車外)我們身邊響起了一片嘩嘩的聲音。這時又刮了風,風吹(在車子上)的聲音像是一個人在尖叫。這時爸爸打開了音響,這時一個聲音嘎嘎地在響著,(也許是因為雨天的打擾,電波信號很不好,車里的收音機不能正常播放了。)【評:早晨天就陰著,要下雨,所以下雨不是“突然”的。雨點打在車上的聲音寫得好。】
    我們剛(快)要到奶奶家時,突然車拋錨了,車子開不出去。這時,我的肚子餓得咕咕直叫。后來,我們一家人(都下了車,)把車子推了出來。【評:好,寫肚子叫的聲音。】
    (來到)后來我們在奶奶家,我和小弟弟在一起玩——“吃雞”。“砰”的一聲,我向他開了一槍。“打到了!”我大喊著,(可)這時我的一槍沒有打死她。這時他向我又打了兩槍,打偏了。我發現了,又開了兩三槍,(才)結束了他的(“生命”)。【評:“我”和小弟弟玩游戲。】
    爸爸帶我們出去抓一只雞,(奶奶晚上給我們燉雞肉吃。)我們堵著,爸爸抓著,這一只雞(拼命地跑,我們在后面猛追,最后雞)穿(鉆)到(樹枝里)一個地方卡住了,爸爸很輕松地抓住了它。(奶奶)我們殺那只雞的時候,雞(咯咯地)喊著。【評:怎么抓雞要寫清楚,不要跳躍性過大。】
    晚上,我們吃雞肉后,我馬上拿起手機,開始玩“吃雞”。真不錯,全隊沒倒下,全隊都吃了“雞”,我又用扔個手雷,轟的一聲,炸死了一個人。另一人用槍“叭叭”地打我。我一閃,他沒有打死我,我在旁邊卻把他打死了。【評:玩電子游戲,也有聲音的,好!】
    (這時,)窗外刮起了風,天又陰了,“轟隆隆”,響起了雷聲。不一會兒,嘩嘩地下起來雨。
    評語
    文章以“天氣陰沉沉的,要下雨了”為開頭,又以“,天又陰了,轟隆隆,響起了雷聲。不一會兒,嘩嘩地下起來雨”為結尾,首尾呼應,結構嚴謹。中間講述“我”在一天里的所見所聞。在記敘的過程中,小作者至始至終都注意到了對聲音的描述。早晨聽到卷簾門拉上時的呼呼響聲。起床后,“我”一不小心踩到玩具上,發出咣當一聲響,驚醒了小弟弟。小弟弟哇哇大哭,媽媽吱扭一聲開門來哄小弟弟。爸爸咣的一聲推開了門,走了進來……文章在敘事的過程中,因為適當地對聲音進行了描述,使文章的內容活潑生動,同時也符合這次作文的要求。
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