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  • 內容詳情

    我是小導游

    時間:2019-07-01 19:50:42  作者:  來源  查看:0
    我是小導游

    魏心楠
    大家好,我是小導游——魏心楠。那么今天我就來介紹一下我家鄉(一處)有名的地方——墨寶園。【評:開門見山,直奔主題。】
    那里有山有水,還有高大強壯的大樹(木)、美麗的鮮花、可愛的小草。春夏秋冬(一年四季)都是漂亮的。【評:“春夏秋冬”是以下內容的統領詞語,下面該從春夏秋冬四個方面寫起。】
    春天,天氣變暖了,大樹變綠了,可愛而美麗的小燕子也飛回來了,圍繞著墨寶園轉來轉去,好像在看(觀察)墨寶園有什么變化。(小草從泥土里鉆了出來,草色遙看近卻無。)最好看的是那含苞欲放的花朵,像是害羞的小姑娘。【評:寫春天的小燕子、小草和花兒。】
    夏天,天氣炎熱,大樹變的(得)又茂盛了很多。幾棵排在一起,就好像一片大森林。樹下滿是小蟲子,它們正在樹下乘涼。夏天有很多人都來(這里小憩。)參觀,(幾個)有的老人在樹下,圍(在一起,觀看兩位老伙計下)著很多人來玩象棋。這時的(公園,)花朵也開放了(,姹紫嫣紅,爭芳斗艷)。【評:花開了是怎么的景色,要具體描述一番才好。】
    (秋天,公園里的楊樹的葉子黃了,在陽光的照耀下,金燦燦的,十分耀眼;楓樹的葉子紅了,在微風中,就像燃燒的火苗,上下跳躍。一陣狂風吹來,樹上的葉子旋轉著飄落下來,就像一只只蝴蝶,有紅的、有黃的,爭先恐后在空中翩翩起舞。)【評:寫秋天,回應開頭的“春夏秋冬都是漂亮的”一句。】
    (冬天來了,一場大雪,給公園里披上了銀裝,樹木、石碑、涼亭、房屋,全都罩上了一層厚厚的雪,整個公園變成了粉妝玉砌的世界。這時來到公園,你就好向走進了童話故事之中。)【評:寫冬天,回應開頭的“春夏秋冬都是漂亮的”一句。】
    (公園里有著很多景觀,讓人駐足觀看。)最有名的是十二生肖(石像)。每個人進去之后,都會把十二生肖石像參觀一遍,玩一遍。最好玩的是兩個猴子,它們手拉著手,好像在玩游戲。最慘的是那只兔子,連耳朵都沒了一只,嘴還是四瓣嘴,一般的兔子都是三瓣嘴,所以說這個兔子(命運)很凄慘。【評:段前加上一句,告訴人們這是眾多景觀中的一處。】
    每面墻上都(刻)有古代詩人寫的一些有名的詩句。(每首詩都)還有不同的寫法,得有10多種吧!每個(游)人都會用手摸一摸,好好地看一看,欣賞很長時間。【評:介紹墻上的古詩。】
    (這里成了人們休閑娛樂的最佳場所。)天氣晴好,)一些老爺爺和老奶奶沒事的時候,就會(來這里)組團唱歌跳舞,而且是(選)在那風景優美的地方。年輕人們常常會來拍照,拍來拍去,就好像拍不夠似的,因為那(這)里太美了。【評:段前加上總起句,讓讀者明白寫這段的目的。】
    這就是墨寶園,給所有人帶來快樂的墨寶園。
    評語
    小作者描寫了公園不同季節時的不同景色,突出了墨寶園的景色之美。春天那段寫得比較好,通過對小燕子、小草和花兒等事物的描寫,突出了春天的墨寶園萬物復蘇、生機盎然的特點。全文不但寫了墨寶園的景物,還寫了來這里的人們:“很多人都來這里小憩。幾位老人圍在一起,觀看兩位老伙計下象棋”。“一些老爺爺和老奶奶沒事的時候,就會來這里組團唱歌跳舞,”“年輕人們常常會來拍照,拍來拍去,就好像拍不夠似的……”不足:開頭寫“墨寶園春夏秋冬都是漂亮的”,可文中只寫了春夏,而忘寫了秋冬,這樣就不能做到前后照應,內容也就不夠嚴謹了。
    上一篇:沒有了 下一篇:墨寶園導游詞
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